I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
