anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
