I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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