New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
