he was CRYING into my vagina
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
