I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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