I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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