I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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