I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
