you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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