Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So many bounce houses so little time
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
what is it with giant penises always finding me
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
