my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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