And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
