went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
