I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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