How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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