my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
