The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
