Nicole vs. Life
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
