Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
