Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
