my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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