I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
