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Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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