booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
