I wish I could punch you in the face.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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