I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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