your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
