I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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