He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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