Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
