im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
