Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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