my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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