Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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