So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
