Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
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Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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