i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
