One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
