took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
