I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
