i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
