his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dear god my vagina.
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