from now on my penis is your penis
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
