So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
