This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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