I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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