sarcasm needs its own font
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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