A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
