my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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