life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
