fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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