i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
