did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
