All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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