If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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