Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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