You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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