How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
