I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
