can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
