at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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